I sometimes find it exhausting to attempt to write down what I am feeling. So, the following may be less charismatic than is should or than you might like it to be but I'm feeling emotionally exhausted. This weekend I had the pleasure of attending a Women's conference on the Beth Moore study called, "Loving Well". It was a great weekend with wonderful women and lots of time spent exposing "feelings". Sometimes that is hard for me to do. I related all too well when Beth said that often we know things in our head but what we know in our head doesn't always reach our heart. Only, I feel that my problem is less about my heart not knowing and more about in seasons of hurt and sadness my heart being so full of those emotions at times it forgets what I know to be true. Either way, I am thankful that I serve a God who understands my human emotions and is faithful to see me through the valley of my heart.
Raising Logan has been like driving through the mountains. I experience seasons of climbing the mountains when we feel certain that we are conquering the battle, standing on the mountain top where I feel so close to God I am certain that if I could only stretch a little further I might just reach out and touch his hand, and seasons that include a down hill slide leading to the valley. I, of course, would rather just live on the mountain top than to continue to pass up and down, up and down from one to the next. I am sure there are those of you who can and I admire you for it.
God has been working on me. I can see that He longs for something more from me. He is calling me to go deeper, and to see less valley's where Logan is concerned. In this desire for my life He has been dragging out things I thought I had put away or have been pushing down so hard I did not want to admit them. The truth is, I blame myself. I blame myself for not carrying him full term. I blame myself for his meningitis. I had a bladder infection when he contracted meningitis. A group b strep, just like the bacteria that caused his meningitis. I have never liked admitting it, but my heart weighs heavy with guilt for Logan's disability. Admitting that in a public place for anyone to read is huge for me. It makes me feel that my darkest secret is exposed for all to see. But, if I learned anything this weekend from testimony that rocked my core, it is that admitting it is the first step to letting God deal with it. So, here in this place of hurt I find myself on my knees begging God to take the guilt from me so He can use me for more. God, please, use me for You.
I Choose Joy
4 years ago
4 comments:
You know God well enough to know that you cannot blame yourself for the struggles your children face any more than you can take all of the credit for their triumphs.
I am sorry you are have been blaming yourself all these years. I have been trying to come up with some profound wisdom or scripture for you, but I know you have read all the ones I was going to give you. Praying for you. You are one of the strongest people I know! Listen to Someday again by Nichole. It makes me think of you.
I love that song, I have thought I could have penned that very song... thanks for the reminder. Your right, my head is well aware that I am not at fault. Sometimes I just need to remind my heart.
I can always count on you to understand without judging. Thanks for being that friend for me.
I probably don't even have to say this, but I feel the pain of this kind of guilt very deeply. So I'm just going to sit here quietly with you like Job's friends.
Tabitha, You made the decision you thought was best at the time for your baby boy, and you have continued to do so every day of his life since. That is all we, as parents, can do in this life.
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