Rite of Passage

A rite of passage. As a young girl I considered shaving my legs, a first date, a first kiss, going to prom, driving, etc... all rites of passage into young adult hood. They are moments we covet and record and etch into our memories. They are the milestones that say we are growing up, or entering a new phase in life. For boys a rite of passage consists of many of the same things except hopefully they are shaving their face instead of their legs of course, but they also covet that first day that their dad deems them responsible enough to handle their fist loaded weapon.

From the day Dylan was born Brett has looked forward to that day. A time when he and his son could bond over the feel of the cool steel in their grasp and the jolt of the gun as the trigger is squeezed gently between their fingers. A time when he can pass on his love for hunting and the outdoors as his grandfather passed on to him. I, as a woman, cannot grasp the true significance of this

experience, but I know that it is a sacred moment. I swore it would come much later than it has. When Dylan was only a baby we talked about when he would be old enough to handle a gun and my ideal age was always 12, maybe older, but Brett has always known it would come sooner. Last year for Christmas we bought the first BB gun. With it came great responsibility and many gun safety lectures. In November Dylan will turn 8. I will admit that he is a mature and responsible 8, but 8 none the less. For his birthday Brett and my dad took him shopping for his first real gun.

Tonight we drove to the shooting range to give father and son their first weaponry bonding experience. I could see the fear and the pride welling up in Brett as he handed the gun over to Dylan for the first shot. I do not think it is the thought of the first shot, but rather the thought of the bonding that will happen in the many outings they will make together, the moments of pride over a successful hunt, and the lessons waiting to be passed on that actually make this moment so wonderful. But what made it even better... he was a great shot!

So, this weekend as they embark on their first father/son hunting experience during the youth deer hunt you can be sure that toes will be cold,patience will be tested, advice will be given, lessons will be learned and shots will be fired. Hopefully they will have some success. But, even if the trophy buck is left for another day the time they spend together will have been worth every minute. But for me, I'm left feeling somewhat nostalgic about what this really signifies. The first sign of things to come. The sadness of losing my baby and the joy of watching him grow.

Side note...soap box

In no way am I politically savvy. I don't watch every debate, I don't read each news article explaining why each side is the best, and I don't even consider myself true to one party. I do feel that it is my duty as a responsible American to vote, to cast my preference on whom should hold the next office or position be it President of the United States or our small town Mayor. It is not a duty I take lightly. I will do my research on each candidate and each issue before I head to the polls as best I can in effort to make an educated decision. I do NOT vote a straight ticket. I think, and of course this is a personal opinion, that it is irresponsible to vote a straight ticket. I think that voting for the best person regardless of their political party is our duty. I do NOT vote based on ethnic heritage, or gender. I think it is irresponsible to do so. It makes me angry to hear Black American's encouraging other Black American's to vote for a black candidate because they are Black. It makes me angry to hear women say it is best for women to vote for a woman because she is a woman. I do not plan to vote for Sarah Palin nor would I have voted for Hillary Clinton because they are women. I do not plan to vote for John McCain simply because he fills in the same racial oval as I do on a medical form. I would like to think that as Americans we can look past the outer shell of a person when we cast our votes.

I will gladly admit that I will be casting my vote for the seemingly least popular candidate this year. I am not hard core republican although when it comes to the issues my beliefs tend to line up with theirs, on a National stage anyway. I am not for the white man because he is white. I am not giving him my vote because I am a woman and he has a woman on his ticket. I am giving him my vote because I truly feel convicted that if Jesus were here voting, that is who he would cast his ballot for too.

Not to go with the old cliche of "WWJD", but I do think that there is no more important deciding factor when it comes to our vote. To me the biggest moral issues we face as a nation is abortion, embrionic stem cell research and gay marriage. I believe the Bible is very clear on where we are to stand on all of these issues. I know that our more popular candidate would tell you that he is not FOR abortion, or FOR gay marriage, he just does not oppose it either. Well, to me, it is the same. If you do not oppose it, you stand for it, and that is not okay with me. With that said, I want to make clear that I do not dislike people who choose to be gay. I think Jesus would also tell us to hate the sin, not the sinner. We all sin, but that does not mean we have to accept or make rights for those sins. To do so would put us another moral step behind as a country and that is a step we just cannot afford to take. As for the embrionic stem cell research I realize that the Bible does not speak directly on this issue, however the Bible is clear that life begins at conception and to use a fertalized egg for a cure is to kill a life in order to try and make another better. I, having a son who could one day potentially benefit from this research, do not think this is a moral path we want to go down as a nation. There is research showing that stem cells harvested from adults have the same life saving potential as those harvested from unborn children.

I do not ask you to share my views or to vote my vote, but before I end the serman, I must ask that when you go to the polls this year, please vote with your heart and not your wallet. Our economy is in trouble, no question about it, but it has been in trouble before and will be in trouble again no matter whom is elected to office. I pray that when you enter the polls you will ask yourself "What Would Jesus Do" and vote your answer.

NO angry comments, please. :)

Tears of Joy

I don't plan on making a habit of blogging twice in one day, but tonight I just had to blog some good with the bad that came earlier today. I try not to brag on my children very often, well, not to any extreme anyway, but tonight's session cannot be helped. So, if your not into it, you may want to skip this blog!


Tonight we went to parent teacher conferences. To be honest, Dylan is such a good kid and so good at school that I worry very little about the report we will get. That's not to say that he won't throw us for a loop along the way, but I did feel confident that all would go well. And, the meeting went as expected. His teacher, who is FANTASTIC, had only good things to say. While she was very proud of his ability to excel in Math and Reading, I was most proud of the comment she made on his report card about how kind he always is to the other students and how he is a dedicated, hard worker.
Logan on the other hand... while I have always believed that he is very smart... well, we just get so used to hearing the bad that it's hard to imagine a meeting about him going any other way. When I say bad, what I mean is how at Dr. visits we get a long list of all the areas he's still behind in and all the things we need to do to work on them, at therapy meetings we get a continued list of all of those slowly progressing areas. So, it becomes routine to compute the bad, let it sink in, then head out the door with a plan for improvement. So, I will confess going into tonight's meeting I braced myself for the worst. His teacher, who is also FANTASTIC, handed us a list of first quarter assessments. I'll be honest I didn't really want to look at it. But when I did what I saw sent tears running down my cheeks. All of the areas had been met... I honestly looked at the top of the paper to make sure it had his name on it. It did and it was all good. We listened as she read over all of the areas he met and about how they took a reading readiness test and he has scored one of the top in the class!!! My Logan... at the top of the class!!! I know his teacher had to think I was nuts, but she tried not to stare as I continued to wipe the uncontrollable tears from my cheeks. I did finally compose myself enough to apologize for the strange response and explain my tears of joy.
God has truly blessed us this year with great teachers. Teachers who really care about our kids and want to see them succeed. I know that having Logan in class is more work but, she always says how much she loves having him. I believe she does.
I don't know what second quarter will hold, but tonight... we're celebrating SUCCESS with pizza!!

Laughing Seizures

While seizures are no laughing matter there is such a thing as laughing seizures. These seizures present themselves with laughing hysteria so much so that it's hard not to laugh along with the person having them. I fear that's the new kind of seizure we are dealing with at my house.
During nap time last week Logan burst out laughing hysterically. Brett was home and we laughed along with him but were somewhat perplexed at what was so funny. It's not just a simple chuckle. It's the kind of belly laugh that you cannot help but get tickled yourself even though we both were concerned. We talked about how strange it was, but kind of wrote it off.
Then, on Tuesday of this week in the middle of his nap he started laughing again. I was the only one here and I went in and sat with him while it was happening. I tried to talk to him, but I could tell he could not hear me. It was then that I began to think that this was probably a seizure. Still, the laughing was so continuous I couldn't help but chuckle along with him even though I felt guilty about it. He never really woke up and when the laughing stopped just as suddenly as it started he fell back to sleep and slept for a couple of hours. I called Brett and told him it had happened again. We both knew that these episodes had to be some kind of new seizure. Brett made the comment that if they were they were probably "very rare"...
Yesterday his teachers and therapist said he seemed very tired which is typical the day after a seizure.
I think I had put off looking it up because even though I knew that is what this was, I didn't KNOW that this is what it was. The doctors had told us that it is very unlikely that Logan's seizure would change in appearance, so I guess I was still somewhat hopeful. But, I told my mom and Aunt Betty about the episodes, and it raised a red flag with them too.
Today Aunt Betty called to tell me that she found some information on it and there really are such a thing as laughing seizrues... they are of course "a rare phenomenon". And we wouldn't have expected anything else! You can read more about them by looking at this sight:
http://www.epilepsy.com/node/967607
So, I'm having mixed feelings while I write this today. On one hand if this is how his seizures are going to be, I am thankful. Yes, thankful. This seizure seems to be somewhat pleasurable instead of so intensely terrifying. This seizure also happens when he is asleep and at least I know that I will be woken up by this extreme laughing and not worry that I'll be sound asleep while he is gasping for air like before. This seizure while still a seizure seems much less life threatening.
On the other hand, it's still a seizure.
I am torn about calling the doctor. I know they will increase his medicine again. He's on so much already and they put him in such a fog that he has a hard time functioning and staying awake. I hate seeing him like that. I'd almost rather have the seizure.

Best Pals

I believe that once in a while God brings those special people in our lives that we have the privilege to call friend. Sometimes it is only for a season and sometimes it is a lifelong relationship. I feel that neither is more special or more true, but while they last, however long that may be, it is a blessing. Most of us can still remember that special friend or group of friends we clung to in early elementary. They were the ones you played on the playground with at recess, told your best secrets to, or shared your new toy with. They were the reason you looked forward to going back to school the next day!

Dylan has always had an easy time making friends. He has always been out going and typically people are just drawn to him. Logan, while just as out going, has had a harder time making a real friend. It has broken my heart so many times to watch him reach out to another child his age and see their reaction when they cannot understand what he says, or the drool is dripping from his chin. I have never begrudged those children or felt that they were being mean, it is certainly understandable and I have often wondered if I would have had the same reaction when I was a child. But, I have prayed so frequently that God would send that special person to Logan who could look past the disabilities and see the wonderful little boy that I see.

When Logan started pre-school this year we did not know any of the kids in his class. A couple of weeks into school Logan started coming home talking about Dalton. Then one day when I picked Logan up from school his teacher told me that Logan and Dalton were becoming good buddies. My heart rejoiced! For the last several weeks Dalton has become a frequent name around our house. Logan mostly referrs to him these days as "My best pal, Dalton."

Today I got to go along on the pre-school Pumpkin Farm field trip. Today I got to see first hand just how much God has really blessed Logan. Today I got to see the "best pals" in action. I must confess that as they went every where together, sat together and fed the deer together I found myself having to dry my eyes from time to time. God blessed Logan with a friend. A friend who laughed and talked with him and never asked him to repeat what he said but seemed to be able to understand those sometimes slurred words. A friend who never backed away when the drool slipped past his lips once again. A friend who accepted him for who he is. A friend who saw Logan as I do.

There are times that I am still amaized at how God hears and answeres our prayers. How the creator of the universe, the Lord of all creation cares so much about each one of us that He would take the time to send a friend. Today I am overjoyed by answered prayer. I am so thankful for a friend, a "best pal". I don't know how long this friendship will last, but what I do know is that I don't have to worry about it anymore. I know that God loves Logan more than I do and He will continue to send that special person to him. That person who will be called a friend, a playmate, and a "best pal".

The Blessing of Normalcy

"Normal". It is a word that I have grown not too fond of. What is normal anyway and if your not considered "normal" is that always a bad thing? After having Logan that word became dirty and you will not find me using it very often. However, today I am thankful for it. In fact I must confess I've even been praying for it. And after a month of ups and downs, well mostly downs really, God has truly blessed us with it this week. So, today I am thanking God for a "normal" week.
Since we came home from the hospital last week Logan has been so much better. I'm happy to report no seizures on this new lower dose of medicine. Yesterday his teacher stopped me to tell me that he has had more energy this week than he has since school started. While most parents would feel that was not a good thing, we are thankful for energy! He even went one day this week without his nap which is a huge step for him. So, with things going so well we have been able to focus on the every day stuff.
I've been able to focus on Dylan's homework this week. Last week that was up to who ever had him at that time, but this week it was my job again! This week I slept in the same bed as my husband instead of right next to Logan worried that he might have another seizure. This week I left my kids with a baby sitter and rode to Hannibal with Brett to have meetings about weddings instead of forcing them to ride along too scared not to be right there in case a seizure happened. This week I got out of bed early every day to have Bible study, coffee and breakfast with my family instead of laying next to Logan letting him sleep as long as possible in hopes of warding off any seizures. This week I ransacked our closets looking for clothes to give to a family who lost everything in a fire instead of being so focused on Logan that I didn't notice those around me in need. This week God made Philippians 4: 6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" real to me. This week... I worried about homework!
Today I am thankful for normalcy while it lasts. I am thankful for the good days and not even worried about the possible bad ones ahead. God will take care of those when they come. Today I'm just enjoying the "normal".

The Second Star to the Right

The greatest thing about being a mother of young children is that they are easily impressed. They see us as their hero and it doesn't take much to reach that status. Dad can fix anything and mom can always make things better.
With Halloween just around the corner the talk of "what do you want to be" has been brewing. While Dylan seems less excited this year than in years past the excitement has hit it's peek with Logan. Logan wants to plan not just what he's going to be, but what everyone else in the house should be (including me and Brett) and of course we should all be characters that match his costume. Since Peter Pan is the choice of the year I should be Tinker Bell, Dad should be Captain Hook and Dylan should be Mr. Smeed. Dylan, of course, is having NONE of it. He's too big (or too cool) to be much of anything this year let a lone a Disney character!
Yesterday Logan and I went to Wal Mart to find just the right stuff for a Peter Pan costume. Wouldn't you know that you cannot buy a Peter Pan costume, so making one is the only option. I realize that while there are many Martha Stewart mothers out there I am just not one of them (regardless of what Valerie would tell you) when it comes to sewing. For starters I don't even own a sewing machine (well, one that I know how to use anyway). Secondly, the last time I actually did sew something was in my 8th grade Home Economics class. And while there are many wonderful seamstresses in our family (granny paula and anut betty) Logan could not stand the thought that we had the material and it was not shaping into the costume of the century!
The giggling started from the time we spotted the green fabric. He giggled while I picked it up, while the lady at Wal Mart helped us determine how much we would need, while she cut just the right amount and while we checked out! Then the giggling started again the minute we got home and he ripped it from the Wal Mart sack. So, I had no choice but to set down and begin.
My pattern was carefully outlined using one of Dylan's shirts to make sure it would be big enough. After I had something that resembeled two sides of a shirt I pinned straight pins all along the outter edges just like I remembered doing all those years ago. Then, one stitch at a time began the task of sewing the entire shirt by hand. Logan continued to run in and out of the room giggling each time. As he could see the shape start to form he would run and look at the Peter Pan movie case to be sure it was an exact replica! Then he would return giggling all the way and say "Oh boy! This is gonna be GREAT! Don't get any knots, mom.". I don't have any idea what "no knots" meant, but each time I reasured him that there would be none and off he would go with a great big smile.
By the time the shirt AND hat were finished the excitement had built to a point of no return. The thought of trying it on was about more than he could stand. Finally we slid the shirt over his head, sinched the BROWN belt around his waist and fit the cap just to the right spot. As soon as the outfit was in place he ran off to the mirror and stood speechless in amaizement. Then, he began to sing, "The second star to the right" and stopped. He looked at me and said "Thanks, mom. How did you ever do it!" That moment was worth each turn of the needle, each stick of the finger, and the crook I still have in my neck today. It did not matter to Logan that the shirt is not perfect, that the seams are crooked, or that the hat is all but too small. To him it is perfect just the way it is.
I know the day is coming that I will know nothing and there won't be much I do that will impress them anymore. Dylan is already starting to think that his friends at school know more than we do. But, for the time being I'm just going to enjoy the fact that I am the hero, the hero who turned my five year old into Peter Pan.

While I Wait

This blog has been a long time coming. My blogging friend, Valerie has tried to get me to start for some time but I, like most things in my life, have been putting it off. Yesterday Brett and I went to see Fireproof and in the movie there is a song by John Waller that touched my heart in such a way I knew that I needed a place to write it down. The song goes:

While I’m Waiting - John Waller

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve you while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

My story will help explain why this song is so moving to me. God has blessed me with a loving husband and two wonderful boys. My oldest, Dylan is almost 8 and has a bigger heart and love for others than most adults could pray for in a lifetime. He is compassionate beyond his years and teaches me so much about Jesus example of what loving others is all about. My youngest son, well, he is the very reason for this blog. He has changed my life in ways I never imagined possible. Logan turned 5 in July and was, for the first time, able to blow out his own birthday candle. He was diagnosed with cerebral palsy at 7 months old and at almost 4 started having seizures and was diagnosed with epilepsy. He has also recently been diagnosed with a rare epileptic syndrome called ESES (which is obviously short for a very long scientific name that I cannot remember).

With all of that said, Logan, as Brett puts it "Is the happiest little boy in the world with a million reasons to be mad." God has truly blessed him with a happy spirit. He teaches us each day how to defeat the unbeatable, overcome the unexpected, and find love for life when it seems there is none to find. With ESES there is a chance, although the doctors tell us a slight one, that at some point Logan could digress in his abilities. They have statistically given us little hope that medicine will work at this point, and confess that there is very little known on how to treat what he has. So, we are waiting. We are waiting on God to reveal His will for each of us. We are waiting on Him to help us see this through His eyes. We are waiting on Him to work a miracle in our lives. We are waiting. But while we wait it is our goal to serve Him, to praise Him, and to worship who He is. There have already been so many answered prayers along the way... too many to count or write to you in this blog, but we see them. Our God is good and we will sing His praises even if he chooses not to take this from Logan. We will praise Him no matter the circumstances because we know that we serve a God who works everything for the good of His kingdom. This is not to say that we do not question, that we do not have seasons of doubt and anger. I know that God expects that and understands when those things come our way. I am not ashamed to confess that there are days I question that He even sees the pain Logan endures, and ask Him over and over why... Still, after the hurt subsides God is there gently reminding us that He does love us and does know our hurt and does want what is best. Our God never promised that this life would be without pain and that is why we look so forward to walking with him in heaven where the things of this world will be no more. But until then we will serve and worship our Lord, while we wait.

This morning Brett and I began the book of Philippians. Paul inspires me to see God for who He is in the face of adversity. The scripture for the day is this:

"Yes, I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body whether by life or by death." Philippians 1:18-20

I look forward to blogging our ups and our downs, our seasons of hope and rejoycing, and hope that you will bear with me in those seasons of pain and discouragement.